Adoption - Where to Start

Adoption - Where to Start

By Michael Russell

You are smart enough to know getting an education about adoption is your best first step. Bill Cosby once said “Once a parent, always a parent” and nothing could be more true. Adoption, like giving birth to a biological child, is a lifetime commitment, but you know that.

The reasons for choosing adoption are as many as the number of people wanting to adopt. Some people have always had an envy for adopted people all of their lives. There seems to be something special about people choosing who is going to be their child. There is also something special about a child who has been chosen. Surely it is an amazing concept, providing love for and committing to a deserving child who otherwise wouldn’t have that type of love and commitment.

Although individuals or couples have decided to adopt, it doesn’t mean they understand all that is involved both prior to adoption - and for the remainder of their lives. Is there ever going to be a time when the adoptive parent has issues with not being the biological parent? How do the parents deal with the child who may develop concerns about being adopted? How does the adoptive parent bring up the subject with the child and when? If and when the child wants to know about their life before the adoption, how does the parent handle that? Where do you go to get that kind of information? What does the parent do if that information is not pleasant? Many children up for adoption do come from troubled beginnings. If the child is from a birth parent of a different culture, how does the adoptive parent help the child maintain a connection with their heritage when perhaps the adoptive parent is completely foreign to that culture? What all is involved and where does the adoptive parent go for help cultivating familiarity with an unknown culture? The point is, there can be much more to being an adoptive parent than just good parenting skills. Many resources are available online, but each locale will have different organizations available. Doing your homework about much more than just the legal process, prior to getting involved, is essential.

You need to know before starting the process legally that there will be a transition period once the adoption is complete. The adoptive parent will need to learn the child’s daily routine up to the point of adoption and make any lifestyle changes gradually. The child may bring emotional issues, due to programming in whatever institutional environment they have been living in. Learning may be problematic. Developmental issues may come up. For the child to trust the family unit, or even understand it, may take some time. All of the family members have to make a commitment to the new addition. The family will almost have to learn to be a family all over again, because the dynamics have changed. Will the rest of the family be alright with the attention paid to the new human in their lives?

So continue with your pre-adoption education. Get out your pad of paper and a pen. Start writing down the questions you need answers to. Get the entire family involved. Maybe you will want to start with the Internet. You know there is more information on the adoption process than you can ever digest. Now you know something more important - how to find the questions you need to ask and have answered, before you commit. Yes, the Internet has lots of sites for just that purpose too.

Good luck on your difficult and praiseworthy journey.

Michael Russell

Your Independent guide to Adoptions

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NEXT Post: Start of Life Story

Well well. The holidays are over and life is settling down a bit. It's blitzing cold...but no snow. No complaints about that.

Our family cannot complain although we've all come down with the colds and borderline flu. Poor girls cough and cough. Nonetheless we are truely blessed!

I've decided to start writing about my life from the beginning. I'll probably write different things in between sometimes but for the most part I will write chronologically. There is no end to people asking me things about adoption and such which I don't mind a bit. I only wish I had a better story and could tell them everything was A-OK and we lived happily ever after. I understand no one is perfect and we all have problems...but our family was an exception. So thats all coming.

I will leave for now and get ready for a tooth extraction scheduled tomorrow. I need to prepare mentally since I plan on getting a shot rather then gassed. Whew...i'm breaking out in goose pimples already.

Peace n luv!
Tootles!

Feeling Unloved by my Adoptive Parents my Entire Life

My title might seem harsh. It really isn't. It's the gut honest truth. I don't recall ever feeling truly loved for simply being me. Me wasn't good enough. Not conservative enough. Not 'Smoker' (maiden name) enough. Not obedient enough. Not happy enough. Bothered them too much...Didn't work enough...who knows what else. I wasn't theirs. I wasn't their own. I could never do or be enough to qualify.

More often than not I felt like a permanent visitor. An intrusive pain in the ass.

You'd think that ahhh....what the heck does this have to do with your life now? Well, I wish it had nothing to do with it.

You see, I go through cycles. I'm in one of them now.

One of which I'm fine with everything. I'm macho woman...I'm strong...I have the perfect life now. Wonderful husband,beautiful healthy daughters,a nice home,commendable church, wonderful neighbors, blah, blah, blah. I'm happy, joyful, couldn't ask for anything better. The Lillian that most everyone knows. Smiling, bubbly,talkative...maybe a bit too much so. Hey, I love a great conversation : )
Another where I feel like I should be 'Christian' enough to forgive and forget. Let God handle it. He'll do a much better job of it than I would anyway.
Another where I can't stand the sound of their names. Putrid.
Another where I feel victimized and will be for the rest of my life. Poor, sorry, little me. Couldn't help herself or her baby sister and baby brother. I feel incredibly sad.
And yet another where I feel enraged and can't explain a dagum feeling.

I alway get through it...God and I. I hate bothering people bout this stuff. They don't understand or have the time.

They blamed it on me for not accepting the fact that I was an adopted child. They'd say, "You're our child now. WE are you parents and your gonna listen to us as long as you live in this house under our roof. Your parents couldn't take care of you. They were alcoholics and we don't want you to be like them. Just be glad that you got parents who believe in God and teach you about Him. Who knows what your life would be like out there with them. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for not being thankful for what you got." ...on and on and on and on...you get the picture.

It's like they expected something else when they signed those papers and had to make do with what they got...us. My 2 siblings and myself. Ages 18 mths, 3.5, and 5. If only my mother would've known...God bless her.

My mind has worked so hard to forget these feelings that this seems like work to conjure them up to flow through my fingertips to the screen. Stark. And yet, now that I sit down and try...it washes over me like a dark cloud. An all familiar one.

And I've just shed a few tears.

Ok. I'm done with the tears and am back

And through this all I have God to thank. He is the only One, Awesome God. And some amazingly patient, loving, caring people also. Memorizing scripture helped (s). I forget the exact Psalms to reference but these are the blurbs from my wounded heart:

...God is my refuge and strength. Wow! My REFUGE. Picture a dark, stormy night on a deserted island. Nothing but miles of wrathful, foaming sea and sandy beach. Turbulent wind ripping your clothes off. Lightning crashes. Thunder roars vehemently. You desperately search for shelter peering through the sand flying around your face. Your eyes burn. The wind howls furiously. You call out! You wail with passion from the very depths of your soul! You moan and cry in abandonment! And then HE is there. He lifts you up and cradles you. All is quiet in HIS embrace. Peaceful. Not a sound to be heard but that of your Saviors gentle murmuring. "Hush my child. I am the God that saves you. I am your REFUGE. Your very present help in trouble. Hush. Hear ME. I love you and would never forsake you, my child. Come, come to Me."

Yes, God indeed does save. He saved me, a poor, lost, wretched sinner. In Him ONLY did I find unconditional love. Just love. Righteous love. Enduring love.

I still run to Him.

Catching up for the past month

Wow...

I can't believe it's been a WHOLE month since I posted last. lol

Life zooms by for me and I never seem to catch up. That is good and bad. Good because there is never a dull moment and bad because I feel like I'm missing something....can't say what though.

So much has happened since my last post so I'll dive right into the meat.

My birth mother's boyfriend passed away early Oct. and I've felt so very far away from her. I wish I lived closer to offer one-on-one support...be there right by her side. We've talked via telephone and that's helped but it still isn't the same as being right with her and hugging her and just BEING there. His family caused a bit of a commotion over his body and belongings. What a horrible time to come out of the closet and give a rats behind. Really.

She's all alone now. Her oodles of sisters live a substantial distance away and they don't get along so well. The lady who lives in the same apartment complex suffers hearing loss and sometimes gets on mothers nerves. My big sister lives over an hour away and has her own family...expecting a baby due in Dec. which will make 4 children for a single mom.

Then again... mother likes her solitude. I've figured that out. She don't like people much. In fact she feels claustrophobic in a group of people. Poor mother. I just wanna hug you right now...I miss you so much!

My father seems to have vanished into the city air. He told me he would write after he was released...he promised...

I'm still waiting.

So daddy, if you read this (tho highly unlikely) I'm still waiting. Not very patiently anymore though because I worry too much bout your well being. I ask the good Lord to watch over you and keep you safe. I miss you!

My adoptive mom called me up the other week and was wondering if I'd heard from my baby brother. I'm like...no, it's been awhile. Then she said that he'd been fired and had to be out of the basement by the next week. Mmmmm....I wonder what went wrong.

So, I immediately call him up and ask him if he'd consider moving in with me, something I've done on several occasions. And yeah, he turned me down...again. I just wanted him to have a sane family to turn to and be comfortable. Turns out, I call him on Thanksgiving day and he's found a place. He'd moved himself and his hernia starting acting up. I'm gritting my teeth...wish I could've helped! He really needs a doctor but can't afford to go. Belly button's seeping and a visible lump...

He said that he'd talked with our sister Em and she talked like she wanted to move back to PA. I think it's time I called her again 'cuz that doesn't sound good.

My cousin Kev sent me some My Space messages. I love getting those messages cuz!! I enjoy hearing anything from them because most of their lives are new to me. Just the way they act, talk, look, smell, cough, blink, walk, sit...etc, you get the picture...it's all new. EVERYTHING about them is a dream come true. I tear up just thinking about it.

And then there is my new-found baby sister in Philly. She's something. Always beating me to wishing a happy this...a happy that...luv 'ya sis. She sounds busy and full of life. She's cautious with the whole get-to-know-dad thing. I grew up with him a few years...she didn't. No memories to fall back on like I have. I do hope to have a big reunion someday!

I love life! Thank you God for the strength you give me everyday, the breath I breathe, my husband, my babies, my family, the forgiveness of sins, and the promise of an eternal life to spend with you! Praise You forever!

Gotta love the fall chill...family chill too

It sure did get chilly fast. Just weeks ago we were running the AC and now...well, I turned on the heater for the first time today. The sun shines bright today. The crisp breeze will dry my laundry quickly and leave it smelling so fresh. I love it!

I haven't heard from my adoptive parents since Sept.12, my birthday. They called to say 'happy birthday'. That was nice.

Being an adult adopted child who suffered abuse at the hands of my adoptive parents makes our relationship difficult to say the least. I try to stay in touch just for 'whatever's sake. But I never cease to tire of their white lies and twisted stories. It infuriates me! They leave me feeling confused after every brief contact. On one hand I feel as though they need me more than ever to keep them sane with whatever it is that I offer. Then on the other hand I feel as though they tire me out too much after a 10 minute conversation that I NEVER want to deal with them again.

They're hopeless!

Just cut 'em off. No more relationship. Period.

Oh, and I absolute loathe them calling me sweety or darling. Or even them referring to themselves as my mother or father. Just cut the crap already, you know?

And how in the world do I deal with the grandparents thing? How? Do my children call them grandma & grandpa or not? So far they call them by their respective names.

So yes, our family is quite chilly. As much as I'd like to remove myself...I stay involved. Don't ask me why 'cuz I'm asking myself that question. :)

Adoption has great potential & I believe it to be a great opportunity. A wonderful, God-given opportunity & gift.

My neighbors adopted a child internationally. Bless them! I love to see them outside enjoying their two children...it warms my heart...no, melts it. They treat their children the same. One is their own flesh & blood child. Take that to heart.

That'll have to be my next post...favoritism. HUGE subject for me.

Bye for now!

Domestic Adoption verses International Adoption

It is a complicated question in this day and age and I wish it weren't. I've found this video that I'd like to share that I thought explained a little better than I would.





Now, after that I raise the question, "Why in the world is it so much easier to adopt internationally than within the United States?". It frustrates me. There are so many homeless,abandoned, needy children right here on our own soil.

I know, I know...you probably have your own take on the issue. But my question remains the same.

I was 'open adopted' though it definitely did not feel or operate as an open adoption. My adopted parents lived within an hour of both my father and mother. More on that another time...

There is nothing wrong with adopting internationally. Nothing at all. I just wish it weren't so darn hard to adopt our 'own' children.

Comments?

Why Share My Adoption Story?

You may wonder why after all these years do I decide to 'blog' my adoption story.

Well, I've always wanted to share my story and even dreamed of writing a book (still do). You'd think that being adopted would get easier the older you get...

...not so in my case.

It seems as though I deal with being adopted every single day. Not always on a grand scale but deal with it nevertheless. There burns within me a desire to contribute to people regarding this issue. I want to share my story in hopes that it will touch someone somewhere. Especially those who's story involves abuse which is a major part of my story.

Personal story does wonders in informing people and adoption stories are no different.

My mission is to inform people through my personal adoption story. And I can reach so many people through the power of the internet as opposed to a study group in church or something of that nature.

So, thanks for visiting and reading what is most near to my heart...my story.

I will write snippets as time allows and hopefully that is every day. I would love for you to ask questions or leave a comment and visit often, okay?